Taz Honors Profile Names

   This installment of Taz Honors salutes the dumb ass profile names that I see every day all over social media.  The ones that do NOT come close to describing the person attached to it…..the ones that simply make no damn sense…..and the ones that describe the person better than they realize.  If you see yours on the list….take it as a hint to CHANGE THAT SHIT! Do not get all emotional…take the “l” and change your life…….if you get all emotional and combative, all I can say to you is, “I guess that’s how you were raised.”

    The top 10 most “interesting” profile names (including but NOT limited to FaceBook):

    1.       QueenBee - Are you lil Kim? You look more like you swallowed a country of bees and you are allergic! Are you reigning over the kingdom of broke bitches?

    2.       (Anything) Thick – You have the nerve to post pics all the while expecting us not to see that you are FAT.

    3.       TooBad – too damn bad you won’t go away.  You sit and post barely not naked pics and believe that you are the baddest thing walking because of all the likes and lying comments that you receive.  That you for reminding the rest of us that fuckable and able to be fucked with are too different things.

   4.       WettDreamz – we realize that you are HAVING WET DREAMS and NOT causing them.  People who are the subject of wet dreams need NO advertisement.

   5.       SugaMomma – now why did you pick this name when you claim NOT to be paying for penis? A suga daddy is paying for vagina.  So why get mad when guys want to be cashed out?

   6.       GladiatorInASuit – Do you work for Pope and Associates? Uh NO you don’t! What are you “gladiating” from the fryer at McDonald’s?

   7.       DontHateMeCuzImBeautiful – You can NOT look like the leader of the zombie apocalypse and tell someone NOT to hate on you.  PLUS you mud duck….NO ONE HATES ON THE UGLY….they just run from them!!!!!

   8.       BossChick – You need EMPLOYEES in order to be a damn boss.  You can NOT be in a shelter calling yourself a freaking boss!!!! Who are you the boss of…the bums on 3^rd street?

   9.       HerDreamMan – If you are SINGLE and begging for dates….who’s dream are you? The reality is…you can NOT speak every damn thing into existence.  You are a nightmare boo boo.

  10.   GotThatLongDeepStroke – Really dude? If you have a long deep stroke, bitches would be paying your bills and you would NOT need to troll the internet trying to moisten the panties off of heffas.  All advertisement is not necessary.  Sometimes advertisement just lets the buyer know what you DO NOT have.

In the future.....if you are going to name yourself something other than your parents did.....WHEN I CLICK ON YOUR PROFILE I SHOULD UNDERSTAND WHY YOU DID IT.  Be honest.  Many of you should be called:
                                               1. DumbAsFuck Johnson                                    
                                               2. ObeseAndLovingIt Williams                        
                                               3. MyKidsStarFiresAndShit Henderson        
                                               4. IFailedEveryEnglishClass Smith                
                                               5. BigBlackGreasyAndBroke Brady                  
                                               6. MonkeyMomma Jones
                                               7.  MagillaGorillasBabyMomma
                                               8. Remy TheBrokeAndShirtless
                                               9.  UglyAndSexlessInTheCity Ferris
                                               10. IGotFiveOnIt Jones

“If He Liked it, He Should Have What?"

  

     Ever since Beyonce debuted the hook, “if you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it” heffas have gone ape shit with delusion.  Let us take some time to look at just how asinine this bull shit that does NOT even sound good on paper is.  If he LIKED it, he should have done what?  Maybe he should call back….maybe he shouldn’t send you a bill for the meal and drinks he bought before he bent you over.  Maybe that is what he should do if he LIKED it.  What happens if he didn’t like it? Should an invoice for his time be delivered to your crazy, learning life lessons from music, hooker uniform but lady words using dummies?

    Since when did it become acceptable for LIKE to be enough for a man to make you his wife? Who wants to be the wife of a man that just simply LIKES YOU TODAY? Like does NOT make a man spend the majority of his life working his ass off to keep a roof over your head, a firm belt to keep your kids in line or a hard third leg to break your back each night.  Like simply makes you a friend, a wet dream or worthy of cheddar biscuits.  What happens when tomorrow comes? What happens when he likes your sister? Oh you ‘I ride hard with the barely talented light bright’ didn’t think about that did you? You did NOT take the time to realize that LIKE does not and will not make a man loyal to you.  Did you forget about meeting a man’s standards? Did you forget about forming a bond with a man?

   Of course you did.  You video vixen, fantasy island twitches do NOT want to change or even slightly attempt to find out a man’s wants and needs let alone elevate yourself to the bar.  You would rather sit back and tell a man to accept you the way that you are and put standards on him.  And let me ask you this…..how is staying EXACTLY THE SAME been working out for you? Oh I will wait while you explain that ONE guy that almost asked you to marry him right around when your income tax check came.  Oh I will sit back and listen to you tell me about your baby daddies that you are chasing around town for info to report to child support.  Oh yea, honey, tell me about that guy that likes to stop through after working 2^nd shift for a sandwich and some head.  Yea boo boo, you setting me straight.  They LOVE how easy you are….so I guess you should get a ring….but wait they did put a ring on it.  They should break you off for that Nuva-ring.

     You walk around believing that you are wife material because of a song that was written in FIRST PERSON with NO thought of your busted asses in mind.  You want to know without a shadow of a doubt that you are wife material? I will let you in on the secret…….a man MAKES YOU HIS WIFE! NOT a baby mommas, but the mother of his children.  NOT a wifey…….but his M-R-S! NOT a roommate…..but the SECOND NAME OF THE DEED! Men do NOT wife up what they like.  If they did that…..every man alive would be married to wither the NBA, NFL, porn and/or sandwiches.  You think that being in the same category as a hobby makes you worthy of a ring?! Silly rabbit, fairy tales are for kids.

      You don’t believe every man is worthy of being a husband, although by the disdain for 95% of fathers out there, you sure do believe that any man willing to venture between your legs is a daddy…..but I digress…….  Why do you ALL OF YOU BELIEVE THAT YOU DESERVE OR ARE READY TO BE SOMEONE’S WIFE?  Because someone put it in a song and sold it you? Because you have a vagina? Because you let some guy run up in you raw? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Animals bang it out raw every day……should they be snagging husbands and wives? You don’t like being called a bitch….but you are willing to put yourself in a bitch category? Are you on the same level as a female dog? You should get a ring due to the popular decision that your milkshake brings the boys to the yard? Ok honey……I guess you should also get lifetime free rides an Amtrak since you’ve already given so many rides. 

    Keep letting guys like it all the while hoping and praying for someone one day to put a ring on it.

“I Refuse to Divorce My Racist”

   

  By now, many of you are familiar with the article involving a black woman who married a white man that likes to make racial slurs towards her.  This woman is concerned about not being able to keep up her life style (since he requested that she stop working) and refers to him as her “sexy, handsome man”.  Nothing wrong with that right? BUUUUUTTTTTTT her refers to her as having “good hair” and possibly being owned by his family, jokes that he purchased her freedom, calls her under carriage her “negro bush” and himself as a “nigger lover”. 

http://www.essence.com/2013/04/08/intimacy-intervention-my-husband-uses-racial-slurs-during-sex

     Where to begin? Where to begin? Now this lovely woman would like for us to believe that this mess began on their honeymoon…..FAT CHANCE.  She talks about being “wined and dined”…….she insinuates that her ignorance about interracial relationships comes from being a first generation American from Jamaica.  Ummmmmm….I guess while here in the good ol U-S-of-A she NEVER encountered a non-black person huh? Did she arrive in a part of the country that has been frozen in the 1800's where every white person spews slurs at every black face that they see?  

    

      I guess she felt that after 6 months of dating and shopping around the globe this tiger would change its stripes.  My mouth dropped as I continued to read this grouping of partial truths as this woman talked about being so in love with this man that made her (admittedly) feel less, than but not mentioning his love her her….just his request for a “black pass”.

    Are we black women becoming so desperate for a man that we are willing to [literally] sell ourselves for shopping trips and “old white money” (that is more than likely protected from our sun kissed hands by iron-clad prenups) Death would NOT make it ours....its going to other pale family or charity honey....NOT YOU. Have we lowered ourselves to the point that we would trade self-respect for the title of Mrs. Victim?  This heffa knows that this is nothing new in her relationship…….she was cool with it…….this SCREAMS: SOMEONE FOUND OUT AND NOW WE MUST FIND DAMAGE CONTROL.  

     Think about it..........A black woman that is NOT running to her FRIENDS about her man doing wrong….THAT’S NEW.  A black woman NOT calling on her brothers or cousins to whoop that ass for being called something other than her name by her man……this is new!!!!!  

    It is a sad, sad thing that this woman is ALLOWING HERSELF to become the new flavor of the month at 'Candy Land'…..but should our hearts really go out to her?  Is she any different than the ‘Basketball Wives’ most of you watch? They give-away their father’s names for shopping trips, stilettos and shelter in exchange for men that look at them as property.  How is this woman any different from a mail-order-bride? The price was paid….you agreed to the terms….deal with it or pack your shit and be gone! Oh yea that’s right…….you want to have babies and keep up your “way of life”.  Good luck with that one.  Hope she enjoys 18 years of raising little Uncle Ruckus babies. 

       I am sorry that she was sooooo freaking short-sighted that she NEVER THOUGHT ANYONE WOULD FIND OUT SHE REFUSES TO DIVORCE A RACIST.  And NOT sleeping with him is her answer? HAHAHAHAHAHA honey…..he is a RACIST.  He says messed up crap to you outside of the bedroom…..he’s an investment banker…..can you say MISTRESS?  Just cause he’s not banging you doesn’t mean he is not banging.  And that little sun drop, that's swallowing his heirs,  has no problem being broke off in exchange for having her box called a “negro bush”….why? Because you are already caring the shame and she is in the shadows. 

     The sympathy that you were hoping to get by contacting Essence is NOT coming dearie boo boo.  It just isn’t coming.  We women of color are not in the mood (ESPECIALLY AFTER Nicki Minaj and Lil Kim) to keep being pushed back to the Queenie days….so buck up or sftu!!!!!!

   

“His Daddy Hand is Strong”

                                       

     I am sure that by now, most are familiar with the story of the father laying a beat down on his twerk video making daughters.

 He has been indicted and there are many who believe that he went too far.  I am sure those are the same people that also complain about the state of affairs when it comes to the new breed of disrespectful, underage baby making, school massacre casing, jack yo ass in a second kids.  Soooooo this father was supposed to NOT whoop his kids?  This father was supposed to sit back and let MTV, VH1 and BET raise his daughters? Or maybe all would be happy if he would have walked in on them twerking horizontally on some dude. Or maybe him becoming a granddaddy before they acquire a diploma would have the vast majority singing his praises as a good daddy.

  BUT NO….this man decided to take it old school and whooped that ass!  The mother of the girls is the one that called the cops…..not quite sure why….but to each their own huh? This is one of those situations that cause me to scratch my head.  We come together to bitch and complain about black men shucking their responsibilities and the lack of parents that lack accountability……yet, when parents step up and discipline their kids and DO NOT LET THEM RUN WILD….we are ok with locking them up. WTF PEOPLE?! Make up your damn minds!!!!!

     Either you are tired of the current state that our children are in and you want parents to be parents or you want a world gone to shit and controlled by mofos that can’t vote or pay damn bills!!!!!  There is no need to cry out when kids shoot up each other and question where their parents are if you are going to go ape shit when one reminds a kid of what our parents reminded us of…..”I brought you in this world and I will take you out.”  We didn’t get put in ’time-out’…….we didn’t get sent to a room that resembled a mini Disney World…we didn’t get to negotiate punishments….there was NO SUCH THING AS TALKING BACK.  We were able to go to school WITHOUT metal detectors…….we could go to the store WITHOUT hearing a CHILD CUSS OUT THEIR MOTHER…….. and….can you believe it….WE TURNED OUT JUST FINE!

   The village is failing these girls by being ok with their father being locked up for being a damn parent.  What happens the next time they or another child steps out of line? They get to pick up the phone and report their parents? We are making parents afraid to be parents? Do NOT be mistaken…I KNOW that abuse exists and I am opposed to it vehemently.  But honey, whooping a kid….placing them on a real punishment…reminding them that they are NIT grown, it status quo for raising a child.  We have seen far too many spared rods and what it is doing to our society as a whole.  I support a parent who REFUSES to shuck their duties! I commend a person who REFUSES to let video games, music, and glorified cartoon hookers raise their children via idiot boxes. 

If your mother/father/big momma/great aunt/neighbor/momma’s best friend ever knocked some dumb shit out of your brain………..you KNOW what is needed in 2013!!!! You realize that the village and the pimp hand needs to be dug up out of the grave.  You know that children are NOT our equals.  We are here to educate and cultivate them.  It is a parent’s PRIMARY JOB……let me say this three times so you can fully receive this….PRIMARY JOB, PRIMARY JOB, PRIMARY JOB…….. to enhance the world by releasing into it PRODUCTIVE MEMBERS OF SOCIETY………NOT THE FUCK-UP APOCALYPSE. 

  Step ONE people…make up your damn mind as to what you want and need a father to be.  You damn him if he is considered a deadbeat.  You also damn him is he chooses to protect his children, rather form a deabeat ass mother………pedophiles-in-training……….Young Money and the rest of the drone brained rap world.  You damn a man who divorces his wife because it proves best for his children AND you criticize and condemn him for staying in a marriage or relationship where his child witnesses unhealthy behavior.  What is it going to be? You don’t have this bull shit swarming women.  We have mothers leaving kids unattended to go suck the next man’s dick….but you shouldn’t take her kids.  You laugh and pass about pics of heffas hooking with their kids by their side….but NO ONE IS CALLING THE COPS. What happened to defined, defendable, commendable roles of parents? What happened to reporting ABUSE and NOT discipline? There are WORL-WIDE RINGS OF PEDOPHILES AND CHILD TRAFFICKING………very few murmurs about it.  A kid gets popped in the mouth for popping off their mouth………the news and social media and barber shops and beauty salons are all abuzz with the story and opinions.  WTF?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

   So you can fuck over or fuck a kids….but you better not dare discipline one.  I for one am truly old school and I will whoop my kids….take away phones…revoke TV privileges……remove all games from their reach in order to make sure they do not end up in the welfare line….prison yard…cemetery or in child support court.  Maybe some of you are ok with your children becoming less than you are.  Maybe…its pretty damn evident that you are ok with that mess.

Taz Honors the Bullish*tters & more

   I feel that it is time to roll out the Taz Honors for the bullshit that people spew daily.  I will be honoring the top 10 in the category of bullshit.  You should enjoy this installment…if you don’t, it’s because you are being honored…. Those offended should take the badge of honor with in the same stride as you do the dumb shit you claim daily…BUT it’s your prerogative.

1.       Talking shit and LYING to a person that knows ALL YOUR BUSINESS

a.       What point are you proving by lying to someone you have already disclosed all your secrets to? They already know your ass is BROKE! Telling them you got money and you can NOT keep an apartment………just QUIT!!!!

2.       Skinny AND Fat bitches calling themselves thick

a.       You can NOT be lacking in neck and call yourself thick

b.      You can NOT look like Olive Oil and call yourself thick

c.       And how in the hell are you mofos arguing and shitting on each other for being fat and skinny if you ALL believe your asses are thick?  Coco is thick…half you heffas need sandwiches and the other half need you mouths wired the fuck shut!

3.       Guys stealing penis pics from sex groups claiming them as their own

a.       ONLY to be outdone by the guys arguing about it in a sex group

b.      If you are in the group to get laid and your pipe is a mini….news flash, the heffa you woo to your house is going to know as soon as you drop your pants!!!!! No need to dick jack!

4.       Taking pics in church on Sunday, posting them on Monday claiming to be at work

a.       Negro unless your job is Pastor of a mega church…there are NO crosses in your office.  There is NO communion pool next to the break room.  You are fooling NO ONE.

5.       Ugly girls taking pics with their cute friends posting it as their profile pic to trick mofos into thinking its them

a.       Eventually one of your more attractive friends will tag you in a pic and your cover is blown.  That or the guy you catfish will smack the shit of you for promising Janet Jackson and delivering Freddie Jackson.

6.       Taking pics at car lots, and posting them with the caption “out with my new ride”

a.       Last night you were just posting pics from the bus and complaining about how long it took for the bus to come.  And unless you work and hang out at lots….all the other cars perfectly aligned behind you is a dead giveaway dumb ninja.

7.       Girls blasting dudes on Facebook for being deadbeats while REFUSING to take a paternity test

a.       Chick till paternity is established…he is just some dude that your dumbass let go RAW

8.       Trying to intimidate a girl away from her dude so that you can have him although he has proven to NOT want you

a.       You contacting this girl acting like you and her man are plotting to eliminate her…and you are too dumb to listen when she said she heard the calls and knows he doesn’t respond to you.  But you keep at it believing that breaking up a man’s home is the key to his heart. 

9.       Boasting about fucking a dude on his page…..but that’s ALL you did, you were never his girl or even a date

a.       If only one day you would realize that you are intimidating NO ONE….just making yourself look like a slut.  You got banged out and he isn’t chasing you or trying to get a repeat.  Oh he is? Then why are you peacocking his page?

10.   When your welfare card is loaded you withdraw the money, take a pic and act like it is your weekly check

a.       You ain’t got no damn job Tommy!

   Thank you to all the honorees for their daily efforts to keep bull shit alive and well.  We appreciate you making the rest of us feel better about the GOOD decisions that we make.  We applaud the fact that you have no problem being a bumbling fucking idiot every day of the year.  Keep up the good work!!!!! The rest of us that are evolving and moving up with the Jefferson’s blowing kisses your way….it’s because of you that the suburbs will NEVER be crowded but the ghettos will be.

“To the World’s Fools, With Love”

   I am amazed daily at the amount of people that blind themselves to the company that they keep.  No matter how blatantly in your face the proof is….these blind batty nutty nut cakes will NOT see.  Not only will they NOT see it…..they will condemn others who share the bullshit PLUS go completely ape shit on anyone that calls their companion what they actually are.  Confused? Let me break it down to you like this……..your best friend is a hoe.  This Hoffa will call you and tell you about her hoe-tales and how much money she is making.  You will dog broads out for selling a little puss puss on the side….but you won’t say that your bestie is a trick.  And Lord DO NOT let someone call her a hoe…..your Spongebob brained ass will defend her to the death of you.  Are we now all up to speed?

     These are the people that will sadly cause the world a whole heap of unnecessary pain, confusion, and unwanted pregnancies.  These fools are so in need of acceptance and in denial of that fact, they will ride HARD with the bull shitter and give hell to all others.  Don’t think so? Think really hard for a moment….think about a person that you have encountered that consistently seems to huddle close to liars and manipulators…..BUT will call a good girl a hoe…..an apostle a liar……and make their lives miserable and NEVER trust them.  Do you know someone that always seems to know-it-all…..but can NEVER be told anything?  Do you know someone that is often seen arm in arm with the very thing they claim to hate?  Say hello to the fool in your life (many of you should be looking in the mirror right about now). 

     They cling to the underbelly because that is who admires them….makes them feel needed….makes them feel superior….gives no push back……but they also don’t care.  Sadly enough, fools don’t seem to know that they are not loved by the minions they acquire…..nor does it seem to seep into their craniums that they are being used and as long as the well has water, minions will be there to drink their fill.  One would think that the mere FACT that someone advertises that they will PAY for their friends would eventually dawn on them that………YOU HAVE SOME QUIRKS PREVENTING YOU FROM MAKING FRIENDS AND GAINING A MATE. 

   Oh, I am sure that some of you think I am being mean yet again……uh NO.  It’s the freaking truth and what you all know and think but NEVER HAVE THE BALLS TO SAY.  And the ONLY fool that is more pathetic than that is the fool’s fool or the fool’s minion.  Yup….that person that is bleeding a fool dry…lying to them about caring and being loyal.  Giving them a tainted view of the world.  That person is even willing to risk an eternity in hell by lying about genuine people that come into the fool’s life.  And the attention craving fool will be none the wiser EVER.  Because the fool does not wish to be wise….the fool just wants acceptance.

    Oh the fool will lie about it.  They will claim that they are different and an island and have no need for friends or companionship…..but they will do EVERYTHING pathetically possible to make themselves stereo-typically society acceptable.  The overtly above average number of heartbreaks and disappointments will never phase them.  Money wasted…….they will justify this.  ONLY the final moments before the grave will enlighten them……and that my dear is fffffaaaaarrrrr too late.

“A Fool is as a Fool Does”

     On April 1^st each year, the world agrees that pranks should be the order of business for the day.  I don’t mind, because even fools need a day in which they can feel smart.  Therefore, I will sit back and watch the pranks roll in and laugh to my hearts contentment as fools fall for more than they would any other day.  I know that NO lessons will be learned today….no advice will be given….it is a day to be entertained or be the entertainment.  As I see it, April 1^st is a welcomed break from the headache that generally lives in my brain due to me bearing witness to dumb shit compounded upon dumb shit.

      It is April 2^nd that I dread. The day that most pay no mind to…..the day of redemption for those pranked.  When the excuses begin again in a supersized form.  April 2^nd is faaaaaarrrrr worse than February 15^th…you know the day that all the side chicks and side dudes go to great lengths to post pics of crap they bought themselves and they spend every breath trying to convince the words (and themselves) that they are loved.  April 2^nd brings out the inner philosopher and politician in fools.  They feel the uncanny urge to prove to the world that they are deep….intellectual…..worth the space they take up.  I just wish that during this quest for popularity and acceptance they would figure out that we KNOW they are fools and would appreciate their efforts going towards NOT MAKING THE SAME MISTAKE EVERY DAM DAY!!!!!

     April 2^nd is like the New Year of Fools, making April 1st its New Year’s Eve.  I am NOT looking forward to ringing in this new year of Tom Foolery.  2013 has been enough of a mess with fools that have NO FREAKING clue that they are fools and all of their tales of [self-inflicted] woe and more excuses than Joan River’s surgeries.  Between skinny jean wearing, faux straight-men causing themselves to have seizures……dumb hoes popping out babies and popping off at the mouth on Social media while REFUSING paternity tests……..side chicks pretending to be wives…..single heffas disrespecting who they wish they could be….men proclaiming they want honesty but keeping lies as their right hand…….a girl needs a dose of sanity and a removal of the foolishness.

     When did we collectively decide to allow fools to run the world….oh yea that’s right….when we QUIT holding ourselves and each other accountable for shit!!!!!!!!!! We would rather delete the bar rather than raise it.  So have fun today with all of the April Fools banter, etc…..just keep in mind that when you awake in the morning…..the regularly scheduled programming is coming straight to you in 3-D HD.