Love Avoiders and their Enablers

     There are millions of things written about people ignoring red flags when in love, but no one addresses the faux flags that are birthed by those who want to avoid love as if it were death.  Yes....you read that correctly.  To day we are going to explore those that have fallen in love, but don't want it; or just can't handle it.  The man that will swear that his devoted wife is cheating, yet each time he sneaks home early...checks her phone or the phone bill...stalks her social media pages finds NOTHING, but still makes her life miserable with accusations.  The woman that believes her man has a side chick, but he is so far up her tooty he can barely breathe.
     Both cases are examples of people that will allow fact and evidence to be ignored so that their desires can be justified.  They can walk away from envy provoking love fear and clear in conscience....or so they believe.  The will pay no attention to the devotion and love that has been bestowed upon them; that is until a cold night or a tragedy hits them.  Then there is a moment of breakdown.  But they still will NOT admit that love was kind to them or that they know desire and need it.
     When a love avoider suffers their breakdown, it becomes a stertorous vortex for the person that once loved them dearly and completely.  Because their love is no longer present due to the antics and games of the avoider, the former flame is blamed.  Are you surprised? An avoider is not one that will be honest.  They will lie and game and more to shuck and dive love's tackle.  At what point do you think that they will admit that their anger and heartbreak are their own fault? I will wait while you figure this out.......
     What makes the situation even worse is that love avoiders tend to have friends that will second their craziness.  This mixed with people that have been waiting in the wings to swoop them away from their love will further make them believe that their actions and antics are OK.  Unfortunately, as all these instigators and enablers gain maturity and begin to settle down....the love avoider will end up either alone or settling for another avoider.  This way you don't die singularly but you will die alone.
      We all know at leas one person that is a love avoider.  That friend, family member or ex that always has an excuse or a flat out  lie about why someone isn't right for them.  That person that during stressful situations in life will wage war on an ex or the person they are currently dating.  The question of the hour is...what do you do about it? Do you allow an innocent to be ripped apart because your buddy is afraid to be loved or admited that htey want love? Do you sit by and agree with their crazy? Or maybe you give approval via silence.
    Just keep in mind, an avoider could wreck your heart or that of your son or daughter.  Karma has a sneaky way of paying us back by paying it forward a generation or two.

The Face of Suicide

  Following the suicide of Robin Williams, may have taken to social media outlets sharing their shock and a collaborative, "he didn't look suicidal".  So I beg to ask you.......what does suicidal look like? We assume that the person channeling Eyor daily is the one that we must place on suicide watch.......but NO.  We do NOT truly know what is behind the smile at the coffee shop, the bubbly profile or uplifting posts, because we no longer go further than the surface.  We have obtained multiple tools in order to remain connected or regain connections with people.......YET we are no longer [truly] connected.

     Think about it.  How many times have you been TOO BUSY to listen to a friend or family member that has called you in distress?  How many times have you been more willing to sit around and lend a gossiping ear rather than a helping hand?  Do you know more about reality stars than your family?

     Yet when someone you know has decided that they can no longer fight their demons......you weep, you speak of great they were.  It is AFTER they are no longer, that the masses chime out, "they could have come to me", "I had no idea they were going through anything".  But there are no tears or thoughts of guilt.  The thought NEVER crosses one's mind that they offered no help… they simply added to another's issues.

      The news is becoming bombarded with tales of people, from young children to adults, taking their own lives.  Whether their depression is caused by an additional mental illness or bullying…..it’s becoming too common of an occurrence.  Bullying is nothing new, but the environment that is now permitting it to flourish and our lack of teaching children to deal with it is.

     Once again, we want to offer help, advice and compassion after the life light is no longer burning.  This helps NO ONE.  It simply perpetuates the feeling that a person is not worth anything until they are dead.  That they will not receive love and acceptance until they are a memory. 

    

  There is NO look of suicide.  There is NO WAY to look at someone and know the pain that is held beneath the surface.  You can hear someone’s pain when you LISTEN.  You can feel their pain when you CARE.  You cannot expect people to have the time to run to your aid while you are shutting them out.  Popularity does NOT take away a person’s pain.  It is very easy to sit in a room full of people that know of you and feel completely ALONE. 

     Money does NOT heal a person.  Even those with financial security have demons that convince them that they are not worthy.

     Understand that all of us need one another to survive.  You were not born to yourself…..you will never live to yourself…..you will not die to yourself.  No matter how much you try to convince yourself that (unless a twin, etc.) you are born alone….you are wrong.  You need at least your mother to be present.  No matter how much you try to believe that people can exist as an island…you are wrong.  You rely on thousands of people each day…whether you see them or even know their names.  Keep trying to convince yourself that you will die alone….WRONG.  You will be surrounded by many people.  You will need them to care for your remains, etc. 

    Therefore why shun another and increase their pain until it drives them into the grave?  Instead of looking for the face of suicide, realize that we are one unit.  All of our faces……the face of innocence….the face of age……all plausible faces of suicide.

#CrimingWhileWhite

    

Although it has been known for decades, a new trending topic on social media has people FINALLY saying aloud that the scales of justice are far from balanced.  From celebrities to the everyday man, tales of crimes that resulted in little-to-no consequences are being told.

     As I believe this is a GREAT thing and I hope that this purging leads to change; there are those that are placing a negative spin on the social media movement.  Why some have chosen to take the admissions (and virtually show of solidarity regarding the fact that division and hiding in the shadows helps NO ONE) as boasting.  Yes….there are people that think that those providing the dialogue that is long overdue are simply rubbing it in the face of black people.

     UGH!!!!!! Is there anything that we can NOT turn into a race war? Now, more than ever, we need to unite and use the information that is at our fingertips to invoke CHANGE.  Stop picking fights with those trying to join the war by your side and just work COLLABORATIVELY for the change that we need to SURVIVE!

     We are beyond the crucial brink that leads to genocide.  Look at this movement as evidence! The evidence that you have been waiting for to win your case.  For decades many have been called crazy or prone to exaggerate when they would point out the difference in treatment that they receive by officers of the law.  TODAY, you have been redeemed.  No longer are people willing to keep silent the dirty little secrets that permit the injustice to continue.

     No longer are we forced to battle ALONE.  No longer is ANYONE willing to turn a blind eye.  “White privilege” is being killed.  Do not stop the process by being so sensitive that you miss the armor and ammunition being delivered to your feet.  If you are quick to screenshot an argument or indecent conversation in order to expose and embarrass someone on social media…..use the confessions from the #CrimingWhileWhite movement just the same. 

      Embrace what is currently happening.  Embrace the fact that what was once underground is now above ground moving full steam ahead.  Rather than people just sitting around complaining and demanding change in their recliners…….they are united and fighting for change.  No more are people hiding how they feel.  It is NOT a secret that black, white, Asian and Indian are ENRAGED by the injustice that has molded this nation.  NO ONE is just keeping their disgust contained to their inner circle and waiting on another to demand reform.  People are taking to social media, the streets, politicians, and more.

     My question is…..Proponents of #CrimingWhileWhite, what are you doing to stop the unbalance? Complaining helps no one.  So what are you doing?

Self-Proclaimed History Editors

 

I have ZERO clue when it became a trend for people to take up the mythical career of re-writing the history of OTHERS.  Yes I said OTHERS.  I have noticed that those that generally go to great lengths to keep up their virtual reality lives have taken a sabbatical from that in order to focus on birthing faux lives for those that they do not like.  Think I am reaching on this one? Let's dissect this a bit.
     How often is your phone, inbox, timeline bombarded with tales of a person that you had no idea your friend or family member even knew.  Before their presentation of this person's history (that you rarely to never attempt to confirm or deny, and more often than not take as the gospel) you had NEVER heard their name uttered. NEVER heard of the informant speaking to them.  NEVER been told of a visit to this phantom being's home. And how often has you friend told you with conviction details that (by all accounts) only a person close to the gossip-pee would know?
   
     

Beginning to see that this is becoming an annoying and potentially life damaging epidemic?  Thought you might.  You may be wondering why I say that it is potentially life damaging? Because in the day and age that we live in were information is shared and believed faster than the speed of light, the negative and [generally] false re-writes made to a person's life can easily land in the wrong hands.  Land upon the most inappropriate ears.  A person's place of employment.  Child services. The police.  Entities that [traditionally] take action first and MAY ask questions later......MAYBE.
 

      Therefore, that gossip that is so freely heard, unquestioned and passed along as if it were a

teacher's copy of a final exam, can ruin a person.....YET NO ONE THINKS ABOUT THAT.  Until they become the target of a fantastical re-write.  Call it gossip.....call it bullying....call it flat out lies....call it hating.  Doesn't matter the label that you give it when it can be stopped IMMEDIATELY.
   How you may ask? Quite simply.  Ask questions.......hold the editor-in-chief accountable.  If you are not afraid to hear someone being torn down, do not be afraid to ask:

• "How do you know?"
• "You've been to their home?"
• "You speak to them on a regular basis?"
• "This matters, why?
• "You are paying what bills of their's?"

     From there.........wait for it.....this is some radical ish right here......I mean groundbreaking prevention technique to the max.........STFU!!!!!!! If you do NOT like drama or YOUR name drug through ,mud, poop, trash and sewers or your business (real or fictitious) discussed as it were a book club topic......DON'T DO IT TO ANOTHER.  ESPECIALLY when you KNOW the person whispering in your ear is just working full time at a job that comes with NO DIVIDENDS.

     Also, keep in mind......IF THEY WILL DO IT WITH YOU, THEY WILL DO IT TO YOU.  There is a motive behind re-writes.....no one desires to make someone look like decayed leftovers for no reason.  There is an inherent need for them to feel and "look" better than their target.  Rather to justify something that they have done that was well below board, gain the attention of a desired [or former] mate, a desired position, popularity or many other idiotic reasons; there is cause for the effect.  

      By the way, I find the MOST asinine component of all of this......the LISTENER and CARRIER.  You know, the person that is always saying "talk to me about me"....."I can't stand a gossip"..."don't run your mouth about me"...."you don't know my journey". Yet will catch and toss unfounded re-writes quicker than Kim Kardashian has publicity stunts.  Stop believing that you are the ONLY person that deserves to be respected.  That you are the ONLY person that has a journey that deserves to be told by you and you alone.  

     Karma has one job....reciprocity.  Be careful what you place along in life, it may prove a vaccine for another, but deadly for you.

Black Hypocra-tics

   *****This is a commentary and is NOT a reflection of ALL black people.*******

     Being a proud black woman, I must UNFORTUNATELY point out some inconsistencies and ask some questions to my fellow sun kissed nation dwellers.  EVERYDAY we receive word that members of "the community" are battered, slaughtered, raped, disrespected, etc by the hands that match their own.....YET there is NO uproar! WHY? Recently, I read a social media post by a young man that claims that the reason why black people do not get into an uproar about black-on-black crime is because the assailants will be (and have been historically) prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.       Well, I would jump on that bandwagon if EVERY assailant was apprehended and if the community at large RAISED their youth in a manner that would break this genocidal cycle......BUT that doesn't happen.         More often than NOT, people are afraid to SNITCH.  (It's not socially acceptable.  It's only okay to "tell" if a white man did it).  Couple that will the consummate "Free my ni**a" mentality, posts,      t shirts and sentiment that drench the community..........how does the previously mentioned man's theory hold up? NOT AT ALL.  Not even slightly.....it just sounds good on paper in the mist of a moment in time where comprehending focus is elsewhere.
     Truth is.....post Civil Rights Movement, we have become a sad, sad community.  If its not making headlines or we can't blame the "white man" we want no parts of it.  It's NOT OUR business.  How would you have felt if our historical leaders felt that way? Where would you be if they turned a blind eye or became mute until it was a white-on-black crime?
 

We have become known as a people that do NOT think.....that jump on bandwagons.......that do not use comprehension......that are quick to react VIOLENTLY.  We will allow the media to play us as if we were Santa worshiping toddlers.  We do NOT require all the facts.....we merely need to see or hear about a light face being involved and we scream from mountain tops, "RACISM".  We NEGLECT the fact that we have overwhelmingly conditioned our youth to have a disdain for "the white man" and for "authority".  We ignore the growing popularity of how we view it cute and oh so adorable for our children to curse, be defiant, and know more about rap songs, reality TV and dance moves than what is contained in a book or even just the basics of respect.
     

Recently a group of black men created a video that went viral calling us all out of our "views".  Telling us that we make EVERYTHING a black and white issue.  Pointing out that we will even change a person's ethnicity if they are not Harriet Tubman black to prove our unsubstantiated theories and claims.  And you know what? MILLIONS shared the video and commented in agreement.
       But why has there been no change? Because a week later a black man was shot and killed by a police officer in Missouri.   So now thinking is NO LONGER AN OPTION.  Opinions and rash judgments are the dishes indulged upon.  Think I'm reaching....or better yet (to fit the deflective theories of the community).....think I'm a sell-out......pay close attention to what's next.  When the news broke of the shooting of Mike Brown, NO ONE outside of the eye-witnesses and first responders knew the ethnicity of the police officer......BUT, the web became a buzz that the shooting was racially fueled.  NO ONE was asking questions.....NO ONE.  As accounts surrounding the shooting became public.......NO ONE paid attention to OBVIOUS discrepancies if they did NOT originate from the mouths of the police.  EACH time a black person dies at the actual or perceived hands of a white person (because if its another minority, we still call then white for whatever God forsaken reason) we seem to FORGET the things that we complain about EVERY FREAKING DAY.
   (And NO I am not claiming the following happened in MiMissouri, but let's explore).  Daily, there are social media posts from black people complaining about our youth constantly challenging authority, disrespecting their elders (including parents), not valuing education, choosing sex/drugs/alcohol over following the letter of the law or escaping the pitfalls of the ghetto.  BUT all of that is thrown out of the window if a black person (ESPECIALLY if under 30) is  injured or killed by the hands of someone outside of the community.  DID IT OCCUR TO ANYONE that if we become HONEST with ourselves and each other regarding BEHAVIOR....... WE would be able to curb quite a bit of this senseless violence.  Think about.  There are corrupt people in EVERY profession.  Why focus on the police? And why focus on teaching our children the most deadly and freedom removing ways to deal with officers? Teach your children what you were taught.......LET YOUR PARENTS FIGHT THE BATTLES AND TEACH YOU THE PROPER WAY!!!!! It's better to sit in jail for a bit as our Civil Rights Leaders did and SUE for damages than it is to end up in a casket or urn and your family has to sue for burial expenses.
     And PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE tell me how we went from the gurus of protests to devolving into rioting, looting maniacs?! Yes, I said maniacs!!!! Because who in the world are you helping by DESTROYING your own neighborhoods? What have those business owners and YOUR neighbors done to LOSE their livelihoods?  What are you teaching the youth that we can still save?  Oh yea that's right, it's more socially acceptable to be ratchet, half-naked, barely educated and have a favorite 'Love and Hip Hop' character by the age of ten than it is to be successful at something that is not accompanied by a beat and a sexually charged dance.

     We make fun of the "nerd" the "band geek" and praise the sports star and encourage our girls to chase a man with a check and pray that she's fertile.  We complain about deadbeat fathers, yet give men hell for trying to be in their children's lives although they are no longer in (slight) like with the mothers.  We as a people are a ball of contradictions, excuses and unrelenting, unsubstantiated conjecture.  We get mad when called out on our hypocrisies.  If its a white person, they are dubbed racist for pointing out the purely obvious.......and if its a black person, they are self-hating.  NEITHER is true.  Face it or shut up.  Don't like it.....change it.
    How? For ONCE.  Pay attention to the facts of a case rather than the race(s) of the case.  Ask questions.  Be UPSET by EVERY death...... ESPECIALLY those by the hands that match your own.  CEASE with the excuses.  Encourage your children to be BUSINESS OWNERS instead of "corner hustlers".  Teach your children that being INFAMOUS or known for showing tail or being known for having multiple women is NOT a badge of honor.  And Lord Jesus STOP twerking every chance you get ESPECIALLY IN FRONT OF YOUR DANG BABIES!!!!!!!!!!!
    It's time to be mad.....BUT no longer at "the white man"........be pissed at the man in the mirror!!!! Because that is the person that is screwing you over.  That is who is killing your children, your mothers, your fathers, your friends, your neighborhoods, your legacy!!!!!!!!!!!

Senseless Begets Senseless

  By now EVERYONE is aware of the tragic shooting of 18 year old Mike Brown this past weekend.  We can ALL agree that this could of been avoided......where the division lies is HOW it could have been avoided and people's actions since his death.  From all accounts, it can safely be said that Brown was shot while fleeing police AND that there was a shot fired from WITHIN a patrol car.  Logic and rationale would dictate that a FORMAL investigation be had so that precisely what happened can be unearthed......BUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTT let's face it, we live in America.  NO ONE wants an investigation.......EVERYONE wants their brand of justice carried out.
     Now let's move on to what will guarantee me hate mail.  SOMEONE PLEASE tell me why he was in the BACK OF THE PATROL CAR TO BEGIN WITH? Why did he run? What are we as a SOCIETY (not simply black folks) teaching our children about the police?  Playing devil's advocate, let's assume that he was being falsely detained by an officer.  OK, that's plausible.......BUT how did he get out of the back of the car? Why was a shot fired within the car? Why did he run? By all accounts Brown was a young man with a bright future.  The world was in the palm of his proverbial hands......why was he fleeing police? Had his mind been filled with the fear that black men are the usual suspect by law enforcement? Was he a typical 2014 teen that felt he was invincible?  Or was "they shoot first ask questions later" replaying in his mind and fight or flight kicked in?
    Before you take out your pitch forks and come looking for me to burn me at the stake......I AM NOT justifying his death in the least...... I just have questions.  We ALL should have questions!!!!!!! Not to mention WE should NOT be condoning looting and violence in his memory.  It was VIOLENCE that took Brown from his parents, family and friends.......how is that a proper way to point out how senseless it was? Keep in mind that what you do NOW.......IS NOW THE FOCUS!!!!!! Not so much how or why a young man is no longer going home to his mother.  The headlines are now ALL about St. Louis and the comments are less than flattering currently about its residents.
     Tell me again how this helps?  What ever you tear up....steal....deface.....you will replace with your freedom....your taxes.....your lack of justice. Take up his cause, by all means!!!!! But do it in a way that is productive!!!!!!!!!! Launch your OWN investigation.  Compile statements from those that were there.  Collect the videos that were taken.  Hold [controlled] protests encouraging those that you have elected to take a look at the state of affairs in your city? Believe that they are corrupt? Get yourself in their position.
    Oh, while you are at it......don't just be enraged by Brown's death......BE ENRAGED BY ALL OF THE DEATHS RATHER BY POLICE, PARENTS, OR FELLOW TEENS!!!!!! You are only as valuable to society as you show society that you are.

That ONLY Sounds Good on Paper

     I have sat back for a while and taken notes of a truly asinine trend that is making its rounds.  What am I referring to?  I am referring to people (women in particular) buying into and adhering to the mindset that if they are interested in a man, they should NOT tell him and sit in the friend zone under the fairytale that eventually….one day….some way, somehow he will know that they want him as their man.  OH WAIT…….did I mention that once he gets a man, these silent biddies believe that once he is taken, that is the time to begin flirting, etc.?! Have you ever?!

     Where to begin breaking down this insanity? Oh where oh where?!  HMMMMMMMM………let’s begin with the fact that the AVERAGE human being is NOT a mind reader.  Generally, a person takes what you say at face value and if you DO NOT say anything or act interested romantically (ESPECIALLY in the litigation heavy atmosphere we live in) PEOPLE DON’T LOOK AT YOU ROMANTICALLY.  (If they do, it can be categorized as obsession….stalking…sexual harassment).  Sitting back silently hoping and praying that your crush will see your PLATONIC relationship as more than that, is about as sane as believing that the Easter Bunny is really going to bring your adult butt a basket on Easter.  It just doesn’t work that way dearie bees.  If you want him to see you as mate material………be mate material and make it KNOWN.  Flirt….or better yet……TELLL HIM!!!! You are friends right?  Why sit around listening to stories about the women coming and going in his life….fanaticizing about what it would be like to be wined and dined by him………picturing him cuddling with you at night.  What’s the worse than can happen, huh? Oh yea……he might not be that into you.  SO WHAT?! How many people in your life have you not been that into?  At least then you can put things in perspective.  Like, are you his friend because you want to be or because you just want the pot of gold (or fool’s gold) at the end of his rainbow? 

      Now let’s move on to becoming DISRESPECTFUL once you unbeknownst crush enters a relationship.  Oh yes I said BECOMING DISRESPECTFUL.  Not only is your flirting and trying to prove to his mate that you’ve known him longer (and some of you try to imply that you know him better) disrespectful to his mate…..BBBBBBBBUUUUUUUTTTTTTT, here is what you overlook…..IT’S DISRESPECTFUL TO THE MAN YOU LIKE AND CALL YOUR FRIEND!!!!!!  Would you keep a “friend” around that was disrespectful to you?  Hell, most of you would cut a FAMILY member off to being disrespectful to your mate……but I digress.  Piggy backing off the disrespect clause of this topic……would you CHOOSE a MATE that was DISRESPECTFUL?! NO? Really? So What makes you think that he would leave a woman that he is OBVIOUSLY attracted to, to a woman that has sat back, (in his eyes now) played games for a period of time, and is now disrespecting his relationship?

  Because if he DOES some way, somehow choose you (rather for a night or long term) he is sending you a CLEAR MESSAGE……he doesn’t respect YOU or ANY WOMAN.  MEN do NOT allow their women or relationships to be disrespected or belittled……PERIOD.  SO where does that leave you?  With a wet tale and a broken heart?      Is that what you have laid in wait for? No, I don’t think so. 

   Let me back track a moment.  I brought up that this man that you are pining away for may view your current behavior as a sign that your previous behavior was “game playing”.  Think about it…..how would feel if a man pretended to be your friend…..sat back gathering “inside information” on you?  PRETENDING to have genuine, above board friendly feelings for you?  Wouldn’t you wonder if all the (at the time) seemingly good relationship advice that you retrieve from “behind enemy lines” was TAINTED.  Wouldn’t you begin to wonder if some of your failed pairings were because your “friend” set you up for failure?  What makes you think that he wouldn’t?  Even if he doesn’t come to this train of thought on his own……..his WOMAN will MOST CERTAINTLY OPEN HIS EYES TO YOUR “PLAN”. 

     SOOOOOOOOO what have we learned?  Just like your mother and grandmother used to tell you, a closed mouth DOES NOT GET FED nor does it get the prince and the end of the fairytale!  Its 2014 ladies!!!! You are always screaming that you are just as capable as a man….that you are EQUAL….ACT LIKE it!!!! Ask him out, make the first move or just make a move!!!! If you are bold enough to proclaim that you are #Team Single (which we will discuss in the VERY near future) while SIMULTNEOUSLY posting to any social media that will allow you that you are sooooo “live” and such a GREAT catch….you can muster up the courage to tell a mere mortal man (that every Father’s Day and Mother’s Day you break down as if they are the demons waking the earth and soooooo far beneath you). 

     If you can bring home the bacon…..fry it up in the pan……run the office…..take charge of your own orgasm…….(believe that you can) raise men……why can’t you say three little words…..”I LIKE YOU”.    Men have enough guess work to do when it comes to us.  Figuring out what we really mean when we make certain comments.  Understanding that many of us will hang around women that we truly can NOT stand.  Our topsy turvy relationships with our mothers and daughters.  Why we ask questions that we truly don’t want them to answer.  Why many of us do things we really want to do, yet lead into the act with the infamous statements, “I don’t normally do this” and “I’ve never done this before”. 

   If over that centuries of men and women sharing this planet they have yet to figure out that telling you that your co-worker is hot is wrong, what makes you think that you playing the tom-boy platonic companion who says that they are quite content being single and their friend that his happy for each relationship they enter will translate in their brain to “MAKE ME YOURS AND I WILL BE YOUR EVERY FANTASY”?! 

   And here is the true JEWEL in this WHOLE thing ladies…….MEN APPRECIATE AND LIKE DIRECTNESS! THE TAKE WHAT WE SAY FOR FACE VALUE.  IF YOU TELL THEM YOU ARE OKAY WITH BEING SINGLE AND JUST A FRIEND…..GUESS WHAT? THAT IS WHAT YOU WILL BE TO HIM!!!!!!  Say what you mean and mean what you say…..you know the exact same thing you want someone to do for you!!!!!!!